I can be so pitiful sometimes.
I crave affection. And attention too. I compare myself to other girls. My life to the lives of others. I wish I could have that style of hair. Or I wish that I could be that good with words. I wish I had better style. I wish I had more Instagram followers. Or I wish that my life could be 1% as perfect and beautiful as random people I come across.
I don’t know why I’m writing this post exactly. I think I just needed to get this out of my head and onto paper (well, my computer...a word document...whatever) because it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep.
Why must I feel so emotional and become so wordy this late at night? Why must my thoughts become stars I cannot fathom into constellations? Why can’t I orchestrate words as poetically and perfect as John Green does?
Why must I compare myself to others and wish I had a different life when, in reality, the life God has given me is...beautiful... It’s so beautiful. Yet why am I so restless? Why am I not thankful? Well, I am thankful for it...but I’m not as satisfied as I should be.
I don’t like being like this. I don’t like it when my insecurities well up in my heart and spill out of my eyes in tears.
Why do I feel like this?
...I think I know why.
Because I am alive.
God has given me the power to think, to feel, to sense, to see, to taste. But putting all of those into perspective is where finding joy in life truly lies. He has touched my lips with the coal of burning passion to proclaim His Word. My words may not be beautiful, but His forever will be. I am slowly being transformed into the image of Jesus Himself. And what greater life to live than the exact one He has blessed me with?
‘Jesus didn’t die for those who could become perfect overnight.’
- Michael Gustin